Diary


Little Memole

I already have a twitter, but sometimes, I guess I want to talk about things on my site too, so instead of doing that during an update, I'll do it here!

24, May, 2030
'Eid at home (same as always)! We had kushary and grape leaves, though, lovely~~~the tablecloth was changed, the dining table is dressed up for 'Eid. xD That animation my friend (dollhouse-garden's webmaster!)shared is sooo cute...
I slept too late yesterday, but I'm goijng to keep up my producity and sleep earlier and wake up in a less straighht-to-phone for other than adhkar and Quran way), focusing on my body and breathing, even before morning exercises, really eases away the grogginess and soreness, plus it helps my circulation, so I'll be warm enough to get out from under the covers easily (the blanket is very thick, if the AC isn't turned up, it'd be gross).

23, May, 2020
Slept earlier yesterday (nearly as early as I did beginning Ramadan!), had a productive morning—decided to cut back on twitter and attend to other things instead, like Quran and reading.
Fed the birds, let Amy the lovebird out to play (Aster the cocokatiel ignores his open door), watched a decluttering video softheartclinic shared! Did some gentle stretches and breathing exercises instead of waffle around twitter's draining atmosphere, which helped me feel more energetic (after a little nap nap with the timer set to wake me). Woke up much more refreshed! Brushed, braided hair, tied my room, and reheated leftovers for my brother's lunch.
Later that noght, had an honest talk about how judgmental people on twitter made me self-conscious about tweeting so much aniem content, that I could no longer relax snd have my own space, and couldn't read Quran to the end for the first time in nearly a decade!!!
Helped mama make fillings for rice-stuffed grape leaves, we elft them to sit a while, but then she filled them herself before I knew it. ^^;;;

22, May, 2020 (negative)
My head has been hurting on and off for days, I am so mad and so sad. The bad dreams are back (joy!), bio-mother's side of the family, naturally. I hate being a people-pleaser, I hate thinking I'll be accepted by others if I fit their perceptions, trying to fit into what English-speaking Muslims online are like (mostly reminder twitters and seemingly solely sevoted to that and not using their twitters for any other purpose—quite the contrast to a lot of young Arab Muslims who happily tweet about mundane interests and fandom too), just leads to hypocrisy and burn-out and I don't like it!!!! I need time to recharge, I need my special interests, I am sick of folks looking down on me like I'm some annoying child or too caught up in dunya, they don't know how strong my heart is connected to God or how I see the world or how I can see signs in everything and my faith comes naturally.
I don't feel like putting on a performance and I DON'T want anyone trying to shape me into something I'm not, leave me BE.
The good there is this year is I've whittled down my timeline to a much more managable number to follow trying to keep away from anything I shouldn't be seeing (but got taken by a nasty surprise by somethinf I reaaaally didn't want to see, but alhamdulilLah, not as sensitive as I used to be, it didn't do any harm, although it did shock me quite a bit).
I spent much more time this Ramadan in the kitchen, I could chalk up part of this lackluster performance to thay, but only partly. I was working in hospital for part of the previous Ramadan and did better than this quarantine!

16, May, 2020
[mention of food and yeast] It's the last ten days of Ramadan! I started off strong, faltered a bit in the middle, and I'm picking up again. We cleaned the house just before Ramadan started, but I guess my parents couldn't wait 'til after, they've been thoroughly cleaning it this morning... woke up to the house sparkling and the windows open, shining light in.
Had a rough start to the morning (maybe because I was reading a somewhat heavy self-help book just before), but hoping the rest of the day will be good!!
A funny thing happened earlier this month, mama asked me to find information about raising yeast, so we learned about sourdough yeast and such. A note: yeast is VERY STINKY... people kept it inlass jars and things for a reason, they're very smelly! She'd feed it sugar, her grandparents would start it from a little flour and feed it bits of fruit and stuff.
(Ma sha allah la quwatta illa bilLah) Normally, I have trouble focusing on more than one thing at a time, managed to boil eggs for 15 minutes, while also reheating and stirring soup now and then, and making meat and cheese sam(b)osa with a mold!! I didn't burn or forget anything!! My dad was proud, but I didn't understand what the big deal was at first, until I looked back and realized how many things I attempted at once... normally, someone could just talk to me while I'm doing something and I'd fumble it. ^^;;
Very close to finishing Nurse Angel Ririka SOS too! I love Ririka, Seiya, and Dewey so much, I'm impressed how the aspects of the opening I assumed were just generic anime opening things I'm not supposed to read into were actually subtle foreshadowing. Last few episodes now, Mimina got introduced (so late into the show?), now looking forward to see where this goes! The show's ending is very divisive for many...
I remembered Moribito, I think I'll try and finish that soon too! Sometime after Ririka, I think. I also still have Violet Evergarden to complete.

10, May, 2020
[CW for child se//x/ual abuse, including details of injury discovered in hospital, and mention of child brides]
So, a hashtag callin to criminalize pedophilia is trending on twitter in my country today. My country still has no official age ofajority in regwrds to marriage, it goes based on the standards of pre-literate socities and age of religious maturity (just... puberty), while child brides aren't very common here, it is still legal and that's a tragedy, as a society, we have moved away from that. A child reached the age of puberty, but is not socialized as an adult like back when this concept made sense. These are not working adults who mixed with adults as peers in any way, these are children who spent much of their time in school and are raised naive and ignorant of many things. It's cruel to them to dot his and has life-long psychological harms.

I spoke (in Arabic) about my abuse at the hands of my maternal uncle (around ages 6-7) and then my biological mother (around 11-12) and how they each caused lasting issues. Lasting memory problems and transient DID from the first, PTSD from the both. I talked about the stigma that prevented me from ever getting professipnal help and how I had to stumble along my life and do my own reading... even during internship, a sexual abuse victim's very short-lasting evidence was nearly missed because the doctors didn't know basics of studying a crime scene (the scratches on the child's legs came from her attacker, not herself, because it is unnatural for someone to scratch their left leg with their right hand and vice verse! this is some else's doing!!!).

We need more awareness, more treatment, more acknowledging of victims' stories and truths. We need to stop hurting people and thinking it's alright.

29, April, 2020
It's been a few days since Ramadan started! Hareera soup is so nice (the thick and rich Moroccan kind with many peeled tomatoes, chickpeas, egg whites, coriander and parsley, bone broth, and soft chunks of meat, not the sad, thin Saudi version), even if you need to peel a LOT of tomatoes for it...

I've been keeping up with my daily wird of Quran recitation much better than I've had in years! I don't fall behind so much, I keep a nice, regular pace, four or five pages after each prayer, to finish 20 a day and aim to finish the book by the end of the month. In the past few years, I'd end up 10 or more pages behind and try to read them all in one sitting, lose focus, retaining nothing... this way is easier on the mind to pay attention.
I have also been finishing Nurse Angel Ririka! I am nearly in the last third, the ending just changed. I am so happy with the way a lot of things are going, even if it makes me cry sometimes (Dewey ;_____;). I think, based on the new ending's words, Ririka will go on more bravely forward....

28, April, 2020
[to be added later]
24, April, 2020
Tomorrow will be the first day of Ramadan! I already have sam(b)osa I made ready to air-fry that should last a few days!
It's a wonder how some people can overlook everything you do and focus on the tiniest mistakes... but I did well today, I did more than I imagined I could.
I've been thinking about various things, like hyperempathy and dissociation... this one post from Princess Skye's The Lost Princess, describing being outside, around other people, as like being "Alice in the sea of tears."

I realized a feeling I rarely had that lasts for a few seconds at a time, where the usually murky, grainy, world I see through an old, damaged movie-like haze explodes into vivid colour and light and sharpness is "grounding"! What triggers it is usually water or very sweet and colourful fruits! Hwne I tried to describe it the first time it happened in a chemistry class, I came home, excited, and tried to describe it, bu tmy friends on livejournal laughed and cracked drug jokes... neither of us understood what it was. I need to learn more grounding methods!
12, March, 2020
My computer is still not working properly, so I haven't written here much! But the dandelions in my "garden" are very tall. Bees visit frequently! Today is the first time I saw a butterfly there!

In one bundle of leaves from a few days back, when it had rained recently, there were around ten snails! I put two or so in the garden and my brother kept the rest for pets. They have soil and leaves to munch, they're sprayed with water to keep them moist!

We had to pick the leaves off three bundles of mint the day before yesterday, but,after drying them on old bedsheets, spread out, in a shaded room, they shrunk! And then were ground into a fine powder that barely filled half a repurposed honey jar. It's such concentrated mint, mama used less than about a third or quarter of a tablespoon for a whole pot instead of handfuls of loose leaves!!

I got a sweet recommendation in the guestbook for +Anima, I had friends who played Cooro back on livejournal... I never read it myself, but my friends also recommended it. Maybe I'll read it sometime!!

4, March, 2020
Mama made more bread, like the ones from the boulangerie in Morocco, ma sha Allah (but without the butter and things, so they store longer), we cleaned the dust and sand from the walled-in area around our house (we don't have yards here!) and got some more sun!Which is best, as the low vitamin D levels were causing bone pain... the dandelions have gotten amazingly tall and they're so full of puffs, now! My brother blew them away!
My cockatiel is a very social eater, even if I'm in the other room, drinking or eaitng, he'll hop down to eat his own food, or if I'm taking medicine, he'll eat to the sound of granules. It's very cute.
We watched Howl's Moving Castle! It is as good and funny as I remember, moving and beautiful. I can appreciate it better now that I've started reading the book and keeping in mind Diana Wynne Jones' interview, I can better understand her story...
I learned today that a character I helped flesh out and used to draw a lot was important to a friend and very dear to her! She remembers facts about her, scenarios her original creator and I drew and discussed, I never imagiend something ai worked on being this meaningful to someone... she's a Wishfulshipping fanchild we fleshed out. I was so moved, I was comeplled to try harder, I even drew her a room (I never bother designing those!), because I felt she deserved to live soemwhere sweet and sunny... maybe when I can use my laptop, I'll share those pictures.

30, March, 2020
I remember watching an animation (possibly Russian, maybe from the Soviet era) a sort of arsop, with very detailed, but stiff, cut-out-like animals... I don't know if it was in colour or not because of all static on that old TV. In the story, a bird saves a beast of some sort (a bear or a dog), who devotes himself to helping the bird in return... the bird always tells the beadt not to go so far for him, but he doesn't listen, he always puts himself in great danger and strife for the bird's sake... in the end, he's killed by humans for stealing from their food to feed the bird, or something like that.
It stuck with me, but the lesson hadn't fully sunk in... I realized I've been carrying a lot of guilt about not being able to help those around me as much offline, because I try so hard online, which makes me feel like a sham! But nobody is demanding all of this of me, it's only my own self that imposes this... I do love making my friends happy, but if I can cut back a little, maybe I win't burn out so much, and be better able to help family too.

21, March, 2020
I lost my temper, I want to be less angry and resentful. I want to be kind to everyone, but accepting everyone can mean accepting dangerous influence at worst or lead to butter resentment and fury at best. How do I recognize what level of acceptance and forgivenes is necessary for human relationships and how much steps into the territory of self-betrayal?
If it's the latter, I will be so mad that the other person walked away, when I put so much effort, and also know it's unnustified, as they never felt any obligation to put so much effort into the friendship, nor did they see it as important as I did.

20, March, 2020
While thinking back to someone saying it was unhealthy to project too much on fictional characters you didn't create yourself (nothing else has forced me to draw original characters... I hate doing it, because I have no interest in them, but it's freeing to draw whatever I feel without "excuse"), I realized why I was so obsessed with a certain character! I've projected the same trauma on others without such enduring obsession, then, realized, it was an entirely separate memory I gave to them that was much more critical... realized it while trying to do "shadow work," and face the parts I ignore and recalled it was actually that memory that was the deepest betrayal, not what people expect.

17, March, 2020
The only part worth remembering was watching more of the Netflix A Series of Unfortunate Events. I'm pretty sure we know who the two mysterious characters helping the kids out are! They soften the story a bit from the books too, but not as much as the movie, I guess. It was weird how they didn't keep the peppermints Poe gave them, triggering an allergic reaction was their idea in the book! Hives are fine, but the tongue swelling bit felt too dangerous, Klaus sounded like he was having an anaphylactic reaction, which would be ve try quickly deadly without an epinephrine shot... I like the movie's Josephine better than this one, she was way, way, way too cartoonishly cowardly in this one, I actually got sick of her on the boat, after all the kids went through to get her, even though she was one of my favourite guardians in the book and I liked her in the movie (Olaf is MUCH scarier and better in the series, the kids are greatbin both versions). The adults overall feel more cartoony in the Netflix series, there's an oddly absurd air to everything, but I guess it's to match Lemony Snicket's ironic tone?

16, March, 2020
Spent time organizing my apps this morning (following advice from softheartclinic on things to do at home)! Remembered my bob app and wondered why I hadn't used it in a while... remembered why. A lot of self-care apps are very unrealistic or rigid and can't apply to my life. I hated how it wouldn't let me go past the task delegating task (redundancy department of redundancy).
What kind of ideal world is this app living in where I can just ask someone else to do things in my place... mama cooks lunch and cleans most of the house, my dad does laundry and irons, I HAVE to do the dishes, wake my brother, make breakfast and usually dinner for him, give him his medicine (but he's started to remember at least what he needs to take in the morning! ♥;), make the beds, clean the bird cages, feed the brds, and help him study and do his homework (at least with the schools being suspended and the online classes perpetually delayed and unsuccessful as anything has given us a break)—the app did do some good, though!!
It prompted me to make a list and I do love the satisfaction of ticking items off a list, so I got my morning strength exercises done and I'm opening the windows now, instead of just sitting there in bed with my dread of starting the day for a good few hours.
Folks are trying to curse me again, eh. Dealing with it. It's comforting to know they'll know the truth of what they've done on Judgment Day, eveb if they're deceived right now and genuinely think it's deserved somehow. Glum! I should keep these entries light, but yesterday was dampened with heavy feelings.
[A food-related addition, again!] We helped mama bake bread! It was really pretty and fluffy, soft on the inside, a little crisp on the outside. Picked out the good mint leaves, but didn't watch Candy Candy (I usually only watch it when we get new mint, because it's too sad to watch without a nice distraction...).

15, March, 2020
This first entry is mostly about food, for some reason. xD; This morning, I helped my brother make club sandwiches! It was a lot of fun! We made them from bran bread, turkey bacon, cheese, lettuce, and omelettes.
I opened the windows, felt the wind, and remarked that the weather felt nice! ... but later, my dad told me he shut all the windows, because it was too windy and dusty. While I was cleaning the water gallons, I heard the wind howl outside! I hadn't heard genuinely howling wind since I was still living in my old home (the one I spent the first two years of my life or so in? I have memories of just the sounds there, nothing visual, only the sound of a constantly dripping faucet and howling wind)... it's a nostalgic sound.
Cleaned the birds' cages this morning, it seems like the trick to calming my easily frightened cockatiel is making kissy sounds! They sound close enough to sounds his species makes. I still tend to startle him, though, poor troubled bird. My brother's better at approaching him more slowly and gently. I need to be more patient...

For dinner, mama made us these Korean noodles which she previously made with a lot of shrimp, calamari, calamansi sauce (I don't know what it's actually meant for, I've been meaning to look that up, actually!), and vegetables added (it was really tasty that time!!), but this time, made it only using the spices from the package... she made three packages worth and used all the seasoning it came with.
It was WAY TOO SPICY when it wasn't watered down by a whole bunch of other stuff! My nose stung when I just opened the door to my room, before I even saw it! It was so red! It burnt the back of my throat and my lips tingled and it was like eating peppers... it was really, really strong!!
My dad praised it, but in the end, my brother and I just had our usual, mild-flavoured Indomie (an Indonesian, instant noodle brand popular with kids here) instead... ^^;

Mama asked about an app I used to use for English vocabulary or something, I was a bit put-off at first (I don't need any apps to improve my English, why would I play something like that, when I can read books to learn more words?), but then, realized she probably meant freerice.com because it had words and synonyms (every question you answer right, the ad revenue on that page is used to donate rice to the poor through the World Food Program!). We thought that was it, but then, she mentioned it was orange, not green... and I realized she meant Lumosity. She said I played it most during my exams back in high school and I mentioned that yeah, I mostly play those to sharpen my skills during exam periods. ^^;;;

Oh, as it turns out, the calamansi is a very small, orange-like fruit native to the Philippines, smaller than even a clementine, according ot A Filippino Foodie, it's very sour, with a sweet peel. It's used in dips with soy sauce on noodle dishes and things!

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