10, December, 2020 (negative, abuse, I may delete this later)
We had a peaceful moment earlier today (although I was anxious on the inside, is it safe to enjoy this? Will nothing bad happen? I learned years ago never to trust peaceful moments because she is always collecting evidence to hold against you later and mock and deride you with them), where we watched an animation about the Prophet Musa (Moses)' life—he wasn't depicted, of course, he was hidden with light and a narrator described his words and told the story— and she actually insulted him just for repeatedly thinking well of people (they often mock me, yell at me to "stop makin excuses for other people!!" and treat it as a big flaw of mine), especially when the Egyptians kept asking him to pray to God to end the punishments (the locusts, frogs, lice/skin diseases, blood...), falsely promising to release the children of Israel from slavery, then denying and persisting every time. I weakly defended him, saying you can't say that about prophets, and that's how a Muslim is supposed to be, assuming well... he stopped believing them at the end, especially after the false oath in God's name.
Then, later, she was the worst she's been in months... I can't keep anyone safe. I really wanted to.
Edit: the gentle subtlety of God's comfort, though... I could be heartbroken about something and something I love will pop up, like Iris fanart (what are the odds! She's from a much older series and isn't a popularly-liked character...) and National Geographic's doing a lovely thread on lullabies. There are still beautiful things...
8, December, 2020
Today, I was very stressed out and kept losing my temper. I hardly had any time to myself!! But I managed to calm down after a while of being alone at last in the evening.
I read the story of an Afghan noblewoman who ran away with an British soldier, gleamed from diary entries and accounts and artwork by her and her husband on Untold Stories.
Something about how unhappy she was, towards the end of her life, yet also guarded even in her own diary entries, trying to distract herself with doting on pets and drawings and things, struck a chord... their artwork and happier memories are charming, though.
6, December, 2020
It’s so windy today! I went outside and watched the clouds drift. They’re very thick and cottony, the ones in front are very soft and look like a smudged painting, while the ones behind glow with a warmer light. It felt pleasant, slightly cool because the sun was hidden, but not really cold!
That first dandelion is starting to open up. There was one of those little wheat-like plants growing too! I watched ants pop in and out of a series of little holes under the plants.
One of the empty planters under the windows is mostly full of water and it has plants growing out of the cracks! And some growing out of an old drawstring bag(?).
The wind was whirling around and it lifted my hair, it feels so pleasant and light! I watched a gull glide, it barely flapped its wings, maybe thrice, the rest of the time, it was carried on a strong wind, its left wing folding only slightly, now and then, but otherwise, its wings were open the whole time.
Everything is so beautiful! Doing tasbeeh while watching nature is so much easier! A very light shower started to fall, but quickly finished. The sunlight was gently warm after it.
I apparently intended to fast today and forgot! I was reminded, decided to spend the day fasting, made breakfast and got snacks for my brother, but clumsily forgot when I prepared lunch for him, made myself a plate of food, and ate it all up before remembering I was fasting! ^^;
Fortunately, unintentionally eating doesn't break the fast and is seen as a mercy from God! Carried on fasting... it really was for the best, I didn't have a pre-dawn meal and I was pretty thirsty...!
Around dinner time, after I'd (properly) broken my fast, I used some cream and sliced strawberries and put them in some bits of crunchy crepes (it was something between a fruity crepe and a budget strawberry shortcake, but it was really tasty!!
24, November, 2020 [CW age gap shipping discourse, breaking ties with an old friend group, harrassment, skeeviness about consent, csa mention in passing, I don't remember what else, weird political leanings?]
I don’t actually know what to put here, I have a few lighthearted entries related to my little brother’s art projects and I learned to use Manual Cam to take nicer pictures of the night sky (there was a beautiful crescent and two bright planets a while back) with my phone, talk about taking things apart and cleaning them for two days (it... was not fun and I realized why people get paid to do this stuff, but also horrified to think of any one single person being expected to do that much, it was hard even with the whole family pitching in!!), but there’s also been a lot going on that I don’t want to talk about publicly so the wrong people don’t see it and think they can get to me.
(Post-script: and then I proceeded to sum everything that happened anyway.)
It all started when a friend and rp partner broke off with some old then-mutual friends of ours for never being on his side and often staying silent when their friends badmouthed him and his character—realized that was common experience for us and a third friend who had met with them in real life too (and was one of the reasons I thought they were okay, they got along with her and she said they were cool!)... they’re fair weather friends who laugh with us, but stay quiet and implicitly approve of their friends trashing us. It could’ve just been that, but me bringing up that one of their friends who I otherwise didn’t know that well cracking sexual jokes around my characters and me asking him not to do that and getting laughed off because it’s ~just a joke~ until someone else I talked to carried over that I’m a csa victim, THEN, the joker apologized. I left it with no ill will. Some time later, learned they were an anti and hated a ship I like, so didn’t wanna interact with them, they went and followed my personal twitter, I sent them a polite message telling them they’d probably not like some of the stuff I tweet, so please unfollow... (but they never responded, while continuing to be active on the account, for days???), creeped me out, so I forced them to unfollow with a block.
Apparently, bringing that up was “dragging innocent bystanders” (reading “I’m just kidding” guy and someone else who I honestly thought was pretty nice) in and it went out of control, I block people, more of their friends try to follow me, I keep blocking people, stuff I already suspected long ago (and I’ve still got the conversations too) turned out to be true, whole family suffers for days of mysterious illnesses/bruises/lumps, bad dreams, my brother and I are unusually unable to even sit up, stuck in bed nearly all day.
A friend also mentioned their friend group has a habit of talking up a big game of respecting women, but secretly trashtalking them and calling them a tease, and it’s come to an ugly head with “it’s just a joke” dude doing something I can compare with a “don’t drop the soap”/“while you’re down there...” ‘’’joke’’’ but not verbal so much as. Grabbing neck while someone’s kneeling to pick something up and having a laugh at the reaction. (I WISH I could say that’s the first time someone has touched me for the express purpose of having a laugh at my reaction, but alas).
BUT HEY, it’s justified, since I ship stuff they don’t approve of, so that makes me an acceptable target!!! This whole mess is so sick and the logic so twisted, I’m done, I can’t trust anyone who’d defend any of this (I wish I could say “pokemon rper who is a militant anti, but thinks voodoo (sihr) and revenge sex is an acceptable response to getting rejected” is a one time thing I encountered in my years of fandom, but it’s bizarrely not (although this one didn’t come in obsessive narcissist who never stops spamming you with selfies and demanding your address/birthdate or randomly and repeatedly talks about your future living together somewhere in Europe, breaks into your account to download an archive of your blog, anti-sjw and pretty alt right despite being non-binary-then-transmasc, constantly asks judgmental and offensive questions about Islam, and blames immigrants for society’s ills” brand of absolute insanity... this person was also the final nail in my “abusers with B personality disorders” coffin, I cannot trust anyone with those conditions who aren’t medicated, I’m sorry, stay far away if you’re going to flip between absolute extremes and go from buddy-buddy to utterly despising and loathing and trying desperately to destroy my whole life).
If they find this (I already know some of my stalkers keep tabs on this website too, I don’t care anymore), go straight to Hell, you and your dogs, you know what you did.
At this point, my sense of trust, which was already infinitesimally small, setting more walls up for safety. I am TIRED of this constantly happening and it’s not like this is a new set of friends!!! I knew these two for ages!!!! Since I joined tumblr a decade ago. I knew them before everything took a nosedive in 2016.
I don’t feel safe trusting folks who even defend this stuff, right now, because of how it’s used and because of the bizarre mental gymnastics involved for these people to feel morally superior to me because, well, at least we don’t ship bad ships, never mind what we excuse doing to actual human beings. I feel like it’s quickly becoming the last line drawn by a lot of the most degenerate and evil people, who otherwise have no moral code to live by, especially not when dealing with actual living creatures, so they get really obsessed with it because it’s their one claim to still being good and decent.
I also bring this up today because a sweet mutual who’s also in the BW! discord group’s being harrassed by someone she’s already blocked over.... Ferriswheelshipping. A practically canon ship that was popular when the game came out ten years ago and she doesn’t even ship it with Touko as a 15 year old (the player characters are for the player to project on, so she just uses her as a base for an adult self-insert to ship with 18 year old N who is the main antivillain/antihero of sorts), but now, folks are more opposed to things, and it’s fine to discuss why normalizing stuff like that can be harmful, or you could just. Block and ignore what you dislike, but instead, they’re evading blocks with different accounts, calling her gross and even a pedophile (!!!), causing her distress (I’ve always known her to be super sensitive and always trying not to offend anyone, very, very cautious, so this is clearly super upsetting!!), so I felt I should remind her this kind of tarnishing of someone’s reputation counts as libel. It’s literally a crime. There’s precedent for reporting libel on twitter and people should know they can’t just do this stuff to people.
How fandom views N is kind of unfortunate in both extremes, either he's treated like a giant baby because of how he was kept (intentionally) ignorant and unaware of everything except his (cult leader) father's view of the world OR now, apparently, some folks are seeing the ship as inappropriate because N is 4 years older than the protagonist (it won't mean much if they meet again as adults and he ran away after that schoolboyish "I kind of actually liked you a little" that reads like a confession)... he wasn't allowd to know the world or mature very much, purposefully, to keep him "innocent and pure" to summon Reshiram/Zekrom (depending on version), but fandom goes to extremes babying him or viewing the ship through reality's rigid one-size-fits-all standards, like they're not fictional and we know he'd never hurt her... people should just tag appropriately andorherwise live and let live, definitely not use this stuff as reasons to attack other people and gang up on them obsessively.
6, November, 2020
I was sick for two days (this time, deeefinitely my fault, I ate two things in a row that had no business being eaten in close proximity!). Got scolded a bit for it. ^^;;; My parents might not be the best at acknowledging all our health problems and are in denial of some, or have that aggressively “positive” outlook that refuses to acknowledge limits and won’t accept when we say we really can’t do something, but what they understand and don’t minimize, they do care about.
All better by yesterday! I also made chocolate banana smoothies for the first time, but I think maybe I put too much cocoa powder (it’s unsweetened and strong!), sweetened with a spoonful of honey, about 400 mlk milk, and two bananas, blended together. ^^
We watched Over the Moon (split up over two days), it was a cute movie! A bit weird tonally (it’s a movie about grief, mourning loved ones, and moving on which has a new take on old folklore, but also depicts Chang’e as like a pop star and her introductory concert feels like Lady Gaga... it was amusing watching her switch singing styles, she even does a rap battle!), but the designs and characters were all very charming and the visuals very varied and lovely (Lunaria is a bit too candy-bright for my eyes sometimes, but the other scenes and styles are so lovely).
The very sweet and realistically quiet rabbit (although I half-expected a sad, squeaky bunny scream when she was terrified in the rocket!), Bungee, was easily my favourite aspect of the film! If anyone wants to get a rabbit after this, they’re charmingly quiet and relatively clean pets, but please read up on their proper care (never bathe them in water, they could get hypothermia and die, don’t make them lie on their backs, it puts their systems into shock, carrots are like sweets you only give as a treat or they’ll get cavities, you mostly feed them things like timothy hay and leafy greens, etc.)
SPOILERS for the ending: The Chamber of Exquisite Sadness scene was especially moving (although this bit might be me being a bit too harsh on a kid’s movie that needs to wrap things up quickly, why did Chang’e figure things out so quickly now after hundreds of years, to be the one to advise Fei Fei? But then again, you could also argue she’s one of those who gives up on herself, but couldn’t turn a blind eye to a child in the same situation, or that she was too obsessed with recreating the potion to consider it until now).
Glen Keane’s character designs are, of course, beautiful!
30, October, 2020
*late entry [CW negative, abuse]
The ugliest and worst thing about a cycle of abuse is becoming part of that chain because you’re afraid of being abused so you act neutral or even act abusive trying to manage others so you don’t get in trouble for them not behaving perfectly even when you know it’s unrealistic!
Or you’re under some weird impression you can save them from worse abuse, but by trying to force others to meet parents’ unrealistic expectations, so we all go unpunished.
I want to be better, I don’t wanna be any part of this, either way, it turns out ugly and harsh.
6, September, 2020
Yesterday, I decided to start following that advice not to get mad or criticize people for mistakes they always make or can't help, and it's certainly helping me be more patient and calm, and it made the day go by very quietly and peacefullly.
I made watermelon juice again! We had that and some microwave popcorn (it's been a very long time since dad bought those, I guess he was feeling nostalgic, my brother's never tried it, and they pop a lot slower and more evenly than the ones we had a decade ago, the power of the microwaves we had back then and now might also play a part). I put some caramel on it for fun! It smelled like going to the cinema (but I used a lot less, they must use a LOT more caramel there for such a uniform colour...).
Avatar: The Last Airbender spoilers] My brother and I finished Book 2! Just started Book 3. I guess rapidly summarizing the plan and what happened while Aang was unconscious is part of the plot they had to consense because Avatar was three seasons jnstead of four? I really loved the plotline with guru Pathik (shows that do their work studying eastern philosophy instead of just throwing in some ~aesthetics~!!).
I was so happy for Zuko after he recovered from that fever and his crisis of identity, he seemed so happy and calm, and then, along came Azula... that was so upsetting and the most shameful part was Iroh looking away like he did when Ozai burned Zuko. This isn't going to sit right with Zuko and I can't wait for him to leave... my brother's so sure Zuko has to be the one to teach Aang Firebending, saying he's the one who underwent the most character development. It can't be anyone else!
1, September, 2020 (some talk of traps and killing pest animals [I don't like it, but I have no say in the matter! On the bright side, no rats have been caught this time and it seems they can't go back inside anymore!])
A lot happened recently! In luding the kitchen flooding because the rat chewrd the plumbing, my dad trying to use insecticide on the rat (^^;;;;;), setting glue traps inside the cupboards, etc., but nothing worked... the rat ate food and escaped, I aadvised the parents to seal up any cracks so the rats can't break in again. Fortunately, for now, it seems they can't get in, but it looks like the seeds my dad sets out for the birds has been feeding the rats, which the family of cats that moved into our garage have been alternating hunting (sometimes rats, sometimes pigeons), my brother described it effectively as cats recreating agriculture.
My dad brought another kind of trap (a sort of one way cage that springs shut after thr mouse steps on the platform inside), but the rats are all ignoring it and too clever for the traps. I couldn't persuade my parents to just release them far away, but I think that's what I'd do if stray cats don't eat them. I don't like the idea of killing rats, even if they are a nuisance.
Oh, as my parents bought a glue-gun recently (okay, a month or so ago, when we went to buy school supplies from Jareer!), I finally fixed the lid to a covered, clay Moroccan bowl we used for date fruits during Ramadan! I kept it in my room, so it wouldn't be thrown away, but even when it was just sitting on my bedside table, the parents didn't point it out or seem to disapprove. Still, when we had to clean the house, I hid it in a drawer, just in case, because that's when things are most likely to be tossed away as rubbish.
At any rate, although I couldn't glue it between the cracks like I wanted (it dried too quickly and I had to carefully peel it off!), I managed to glue it from the inside/back after pressing them together. The smaller pieces were a bit puzzle-like, it felt like jigsaw puzzles were all training, leading up to this moment, fff.
I watched a nice video afterwards by a sweet lady who taught how to fix broken ceramics with a glue-gun, the tip she gave at the end about disuising the cracks with crayon of a similar colour was genius! The cracked parts originally stood out, because the clay was an earthy orange-brown, while the paint was a deep, dark nearly-black green, black crayon disguised it nicely. I'm happy with that work, alhamdulilLah.
29, September, 2020
We used the haircurler I helped mama pick out, so my hair's all bouncing ringlets! Gathered my hair loosely at the back with a clip. "Remember the dolls we saw, in those dresses? With that hair, from the back, you look like those Victorian era dolls."
That made me happy, to be compared to a doll, especially a bisque doll, is the highest compliment, as far as I'm concerned! (Ever watched Mister Rococo, something like that, but a BIT more tomboyish...).
A mouse or perhaps a rat broke in last night, I saw eyes gleaming under the stool... I mentioned it to the parents then, and by this morning, it seems it made a mess, knocking down spices, and tonight, it's managed to cut a hose, so the kitchen very quickly flooded with water until dad stoed the water and sorted it out.
27, September, 2020
(this is a very negative entry, I don't normally write about this stuff, but I'm hurting... medical neglect, guilt-tripping, some weightshaming for good measure)
All this drama because I won’t eat something I want to avoid for health reasons... from someone who will constantly aggravate injuries and disobey doctor’s orders and mocks me for exercising every morning (on doctor’s orders, so my knee won’t hurt or give out suddenly!!) because ~ooh have to be STRONG all the time and do EVERYTHING and asking for help is SO SHAMEFUL~!
I hate folks who impose their bizarre issues on other people because they never healed from them. Just because your parents didn’t care about your health, doesn’t mean you have to resent me for trying to care about mine or treat me like I’m extra for not just ignoring I have health issues. You keep your martyr complex to yourself, I like not suffering, especially as you cut me off from the medication the doctor prescribed fro me ("Do you plan on taking medicine from now on? You can take something lighhter than this." And then, later, feigning ignorance, months later, when I never once returned to that docto after getting disgnosed and never refilling the medicine, in front of him, she says, "Don't you have thst medicine that doctor prescribed for you?" No? It's all gone??? You made a big deal of me needing multiple medication??? So, now, I'm only on bone health supplements, not even the ones for cartilege specifically thet the doctor prescribed because the damage is in cartilege post-accident...).
I will never forget being made to give my brace to a relative whose knee issues are only due to her being very overweight (this explains why you kept denying I suffered a knee injury from falling and tried to shift blame onto my weight, even at my heaviest, I was never even close to morbidly obese, and the doctor looked alarmed and disturbed when you tried to blame my weight in front of him and said I should lose it... he never asked for that, only for muscle-strengthening exercises).
Then, she made me take off the brace I was wearing, while standing there, and give it to that relative... my brace I got from the doctor has been mossing for over a year now, I'm almost positive, though she pretends not to know, she stole that one and sent it off to that relative too.
and I’ve searched the whole closet several times over, it was most likely stolen.
25, September, 2020
[some talk about factory farms and opinions about veganism/vegetarianism, while discussing Babe]
My dad bought Al-Baik chicken yesterday! The bags were green on white instead of the usual red on white, for National Day! One of the boxes also had a special lid for it...
I also discovered the day before thay I actually don't totslly hate pistachio! I always disliked it in sweets, chocolates, etc., but we're finishing a box of chocolates that's sat around for many months and is starting to go stale... and I loved the light green nougat of one of them! I thought it was either mint or pistachio, but favoured the idea it was mint, because i love mint, and always hated pistachio! ... I gave mama one to taste and it turns out, it was pistachio!
I also enjoyed a pistachio ice cream a while back, so it's possible I just hated the tezture of pistachio nuts, but smooth pistachio is really tasty..!
My brother and I watched Babe on that same day, two days ago! I had PC games, growing up, based on Babe, but never saw the film in full! It was beautiful... bleak at times (that factory farm, Fly's puppies sold away, Rex's backstory, even Rex actually harming his mate Fly... ;___;), but Hoggett is such a kind and gentle man, the scene where he dances for depressed Babe, who believes he's going to be eaten, is so earnest and joyful... I'm not surprised the actor became a dedicated animal activist after that, even adopting a vegan lifestyle (vegans have a bad rep online and it's... definitely deserved, a lot of the vocal ones are the most hostile and judgmental folks, but just wanting to not eat animal products and being opposed to the mistreatment and cruelty towards animals, especially in factory farms, is totally understandable... I wanted to be a vegetarian when I was younger too and that's a perfectly healthy diet, while a vegan one needs B12 supplementation along with it, regardless of what some may claim).
My other favourite scenes in the film were any time we saw the cute little home thr Hoggets lived in, all the animals peeking through the windows ar Hogget after his dance, that final "That'll do, pig. That'll do."
My favourite line was Maa chastising Babe for initially trying to be harsh, like the dogs sheep all call 'wolves,' biting her leg when trying to herd her:
“Enough wolves in the world already, without a nice lad like you turnin’ nasty. You haven’t got in ya, young’un.”
Babe is polite, kind, and sweet... and he can be successful that way too, even if he might need support, he doesn't have to be harsh or cruel to get the job done. That's what makes him unique!
23, September, 2020
Mama came home yesterday! I made a lot of food yesterday (pasta, soup, samvosa, etc.), I felt very tired, but mana brought home a few things! including ncie treats, she saved us each a little fruit tart-like thing, I haven't eaten yarts in years! It was very juicy, with pomegranate! Mama also gave us little pancakes, I mentioned eating similar to them before (poured into cute little, round molds and covered with stripes of chocolate or other sauces at the hospital I trained at with my friend).
No school for my brother today, as it's national day! I was so happy to finish the BW! Anniversary art in time too. ^^
22, September, 2020
It's been 11 days since my last entry! I didn't think I'd finish this frawing in time, but I completed my drawing for the Best Wishes! 10 year anniversary! I'll share it tomorrow, in sha Allah. I've been busy lately, helping my brother study.
Some of my brother's classmates have birds too and you can hear them chirping in the background while they answer in the first few days! It was cute, Amy and Aster heard them and chirped back. Pet birds chirping across the neighborhood... although, usually, we move the birds away for the lessons, not to bother everyone!
Reading Corset ni Tsubasa and the author clearly loves Frances Hodgson Burnett's works (the story's plot has similarities with A Little Princess (a thoughtful and free-spirited child makes the best of a bad situation, taking advantage of everything at her disposal until she can be free again), a childhood friend of the main character's name is Ceddie (like Little Lord Fauntleroy's Ceddie!), there's references to Lewis Carrol's photography (with Chris' father's hobby).
One of Raphael's maids being named Elsie reminded me of another historical involving famous authors and photography... the little girls responsible for the Cottingley fairies (Elsie Wright and her cousin Frances Griffiths took photographs of cutouts they gave wings and posed with them as if interacting with little fairies... Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Sherlock Holmes' author, genuinely believed in the fairies!).
Back to the Wings in Corsets manga, I like that that the older girls favoured by their cruel teacher aren't snobby or catty, but take the younger girls under their wing... it's refreshing to see!
11, September, 2020
The strawberry jam is finished! So I poured a little hot water into it (the bottle’s been sitting out a long while, so it isn’t cold, no need to worry about it cracking), and swished it around until all the remaining strawberry jam melted off the walls. Poured it in a small glass and added cold milk. It tastes a little like the strawberry milk my grandmother made, but sweeter and less chunkier, as these aren’t fresh!
Celebrated my brother's birthdy a a few days ago, it was fun! We had a red velvet cake because my beother decided to try something different (chocolate mousse, my favourite, is our usual safe pick for cakes). It was tasty! The crust was crisp, but the inside soft and creamy, a little chewy, reminded me of Munch's cupcakes. I saw a cute angel figueine, porcelain, I think, in the pastry shop, surrounded by sweets!
My dad picked candles we thought were just kind of generic and chunky, but they were actually sparkler candles! I never saw them before, it was amazing! They shot right up in star shapes! Not as impressive in pictures, slightly more impressive in video, definitely more impressive in person (even if there's a funny smell in the air afterwards).
Online schools are up and running, but they're largely a youtube channel with livestreams and no chat, so very one-way... the system does have homework questions and assignments, though! As mama and I take turns teaching my brother, I have to sleep and wake early too, but that's good, more reason to fix my sleeping schedule!
Watching the Avatar series with my brother and I'm glad I put off seeing everything past The Winter Solstice (excluding Tales of Ba Sing Se) all these years, experiencing it for the first time with my little brother is incredible. What a beautifully written show with great worldbuilding, beautiful choreography, whimsical creature designs, grewt life lessons (at least one in every episode, neatly woven in, not preachy at all) and even complex morality (the airwalkers episode with the inventor inspired by the remains of an airbender temple to create a flying machines and a place where his wheelchair-bound son can fly and be equal with everyone else in the air... but he was also destroying what remained of the airbenders' sacred places of worship and the murals of their history... but everyone believed them all to be dead until Aang reappeared. It was nuanced and thoughtful and not just black and white. The reveal near the end of the episode added even more complexity that felt real, surviving in a world like that sometimes means bending to oppressors and serving them. Absolutely beautiful show, it deserves all the praise it gets.
24, August, 2020
I used to think jam on bread was a really sad kind of breakfast, who’d ever find that filling? But it was maybe partly me being very stingy with spreads, because I want them to last longer (for instance, most of my life, I only used one slice of chese and couldn’t tell how hotel sandwiches managed to have so much more flavor and more cheddar to bite into... until I tried using more than a single slice)...
I accidentally left the toast in the panini press too long (toaster’s busted, so using that instead), the toast wound up with brown grill lines and more than a little cruncy (I normally only leave it long enough for it to get warm and only SLIGHTLY crispier).
The strawberry jam tasted abosultely amazing on crunchy, toasted bread, especially with milk on the side!!!🥛🍓🍞
So, that's what I've been having these past two days for breakfast! Also! My dad brought green grapes~I really love grapes. These aren't the long green grapes that are more sour, but very round ones with some very tiny ones and they're much sweeter!
I saw a bit of white around the stem of one and I was more worried it was a spider's silk than some mold that rubbed off on it... but no grape spiders this time around! ^^;
More productive mornings lately! ^^
20, August, 2020
Managed to sleep at around 12 yesterday, woke up early, decided to stay awake! Had a donut peach, making eggs from the collection we stored in the freezer before the egg shortage (Saudi Arabia briefly had an egg shortage, Kuwait had an onion shortage during quarantine!).
Oh, yesterday, my dad brought groceries home, including three different kinds of St. Dalfour jams, because I mentioned we only had black cherry for a long while... there’s strawberry and golden peach and four fruits [strawberry, raspberry, and cherry]!
I was really happy! Dad said he’d take us outside if he could, but he was still scared of the pandemic.
He also brought patties and burger buns, so I washed and cut vegetables to make burgers! Mama cooked the patties and made double patty, double cheese burgers, so everyone only ate one st lunch and felt too full to eat a second until dinner!
Had fun roleplaying with my friend!! I missed roleplaying, it’s a lot of fun!
Felt nostalgic about one of the few Sun & Moon episodes I watched (the really sad Meteno/Minior one, episode 79), rewatched that, then remembered I never finished watching the last two episodes of the series, so revisiting those! Didn’t finish, I think I’ll do that today!
Cleaned the birds’ cages.
That’s it for yesterday, right now, still waiting on frozen eggs to thaw a little so I can cook from them.
Oh, two days before, I watched Candy Candy again while cutting mint, my old way of passing the time, though I hadn’t watched it while cutting mint for a while! I started the next season, really love Albert joining Candy’s small group of allies and protective friends, I wished he were her father when I first saw him at the end of the previous season...
18, August, 2020
Still trying to sort out my sleeping schedule, but managing to wake up earlier and get more done! Expected to clean house today, but didn't, so I just tidied up my room. Watched Candy Candy while cutting mint, washed dishes, asked my dad to bring fruits, since the ones from last time finished! I think it's best to buy a variety of fruits in small amounts, every few days (maybe twice a week or so), instead of a large amount of one fruit that'll just go bad before we can eat it all! This way, there's less waste, and it's better for your health to eat at least two different fruits a day! I like to wash a few (maybe three or four) of each and set them on the table, so they're ready to eat, and leave the rest in the refrigerator, so they don't go bad in this heat...
Finished playing Candy Land Adventure with my brother, it's an older version than the PC game I had, but he liked it a lot! It was pretty cute and fun, in a nostalgic, old PC game way.
13, August, 2020
Finished watching The Promised Neverland with my friend! We watch separately, but talk over the phone while doing it, aha, like we're livestreaming it, kind of... it was full of twists and turns and I cried so much, I got a headache, over a character I previously despised!
My friend told me yesterday I changed her opinion on birds as pets, now she feels sorry for birds who never get time outside of their cages, and she even told me to say hi to Amy the lovebird, she recognized her chirps. ;3;
My dad bought a lot of fruits and I want to do nearly nothing but eat tasty fruits and berries all day~we have donut peaches, bananas, and berries, those are the ones I like the best! It's only too bad that the berries came from an awful company, so I told my dad not to buy from them again, told mama why and she agreed they sounded like thieves... the berries are good, but I'd rather not have theirs!
Aster still hisses nearly every time I cover the cages for the night, but Amy hops immediately down to the bottom of the cage when she sees the cover and hears "good night, Amy," or even if I turn off the light! She likes to sleep at the bottom. It scares Aster, but I have to cover them, because he'd otherwise get too cold with my A.C. and his nostrils will be all pink and inflamed the next day, so he'll have to bear with the moment of fear, it's better than catching a cold! ^^;;; (He's skittish in general and even changing his water, opening his door, and feeding him makes him hiss.)
I stumbled on a Spanish-narrated, animated adaptation of a children's book I heard about a while back, about a little mouse named Chrysenthemum who was bullied for her name. I don't understand Spanish, but the art is sweet. ;3;
I found that Big Top, the company that made a lot of PC games I loved as a little kid (like Hello Kitty Big Fun Deluxe and the Cartoon Toolbox with Felix the Cat), still have a website up with an adorably retro layout, seemingly unchanged since 1996... I don't know who's paying to keep it up, but I appreciate it, it's so warm. It even has cute things like themed recipes!
Reading the pond where people submitted their writing to Keroppi on the site, even though it wasn't likely anyone was going to read it this year, I thought I'd submit something too...
5, August, 2020
Woke up, brushed my teeth, decided not to doze off again, the birds are in my beother's room since last night, so I decided to turn the light on. Exercised and read my adhkar, read the second chapter of What Katy Did, and felt especially amused at poor Dorry's diary (the thing he wrote most consistently about was... meals, oddly relatable!):
By and by John and Dorry trotted away on mysterious errands of their own.
"Wasn't Dorry funny with his turkey?" remarked Cecy; and they all laughed again.
"If you won't tell," said Katy, "I'll let you see Dorry's journal. He kept it once for almost two weeks, and then gave it up. I found the book, this morning, in the nursery closet."
All of them promised, and Katy produced it from her pocket. It began thus:
"March 12. – Have resolved to keep a jurnal.
March 13. – Had rost befe for diner, and cabage, and potato and appel sawse, and rice puding. I do not like rice puding when it is like ours. Charley Slack's kind is rele good. Mush and sirup for tea.
March 19. – Forgit what did. John and me saved our pie to take to schule.
March 21. – Forgit what did. Gridel cakes for brekfast. Debby didn't fry enuff.
March 24. – This is Sunday. Corn befe for dinnir. Studdied my Bibel leson. Aunt Issy said I was gredy. Have resollved not to think so much about things to ete. Wish I was a better boy. Nothing pertikeler for tea.
March 25. – Forgit what did.
March 27. – Forgit what did.
March 29. – Played.
March 31. – Forgit what did.
April 1. – Have dissided not to kepe a jurnal enny more."
4, August, 2020 [CW: sexual harrassment, child abuse, incest, negative]
I tried to go to bed early last night, but I remembered so many distressing things, I stayed up much later than intended. I didn't like that!! I usually sleep almost immediately. Trying to spend some more time on my own, so I won't be as dependent on social media and overshare less. I tend to say everything on my mind while upset and I've learned time and time again, I trust too many people I have no business trusting.
Most people believe the worst things about me, especially with my stalkers convincing them. I remembered the time my biological mother convinced my teachers at school she was this loving mother deprived of her child and actually hugged me while I was trapped in this teacher's lounge surrounded by teary-eyed teachers who thought this was such a moving reunion... except I was panic-stricken and repulsed, my biological mother NEVER lovingly hugged or held me, this was a disgusting farce, and I wanted out!! It was such a nasty experience. (Next time I encountered her in public, at a mall, she groped me, the freak.)
Trying to keep that off my mind, did a colouring page on my phone! That was fun, but still freling a bit anxious. Going to read, maybe watch more Palm Town. Had a peanut butter and banana sandwich with apple juice for breakfast, with a bit of Lotus.
Watched the Netflix documentary about Mr. Rogers until mama woke up, paused to help help prepare steak and a salad for lunch, then went back to finish it!
Resolved to spend less time on twitter, also privated my account, coloured a colouring page, and had a rather good day aside from another difficult to sleep night! Two in a row, very unlike me, even thpugh I had chamomile and honey too...
28, July, 2020
This morning, I had a peanut butter and jam sandwich, slept a bit more after reading adhkar, then cleaned the birds' cages. Mama made stuffed vegetables! I love the bellpeppers best, but they're all tasty (she makes them taste tangy because she uses pomegranate molasses).
I finally cleaned out the melted doll hair (clumps and clumps of Ariel's red hair ^^;;;) from The Little Mermaid doll boxes I have displayed... I guess the toys being in storage in our weather, without air conditioning, melted the plastic! I had to look this up, some poor soul's cherished Strawberry Shortcake lost some hair off the back of her head during a vacation! The weather outside now is officially 48, with warnings in public spaces, but mama suspects it's been 50 degrees and over for some time, but they refuse to state it as such because it's internationally against the law to send people out to work in that heat...
We cut more watermelon today (dad sliced it in sections, then, I cut them into smaller sections off the rinds, because mama wants to avoid the white part), it's so refreshing and tasty, but I made sure not to eat too much, so it doesn't make my blood pressure drop too much (watermelon relaxes blood vessels).
I think mama saw the little rosebuds I saved while cleaning up after she made duqqah spices the last time, she went and saved me a little bowl of rosebuds this time. ;3;
I had the few I saved from the last time sitting with the little flower-shaped bits carved from mangosteen on my desk, surrounded by my childhood bracelet-plush animals (a white lamb with a pink face; a white rabbit with pink patches on its mouth, paws, inner ears, and chest; and a pink elephant with white inner ears... they all have velcro cloth-straps to tie around your wrist)!
Mama suggested putting the rosebuds in my tea and covering it for a minute, I wonder if they’ll open up! They’re cute even just floating...
I saw the tiny rosebuds floating in a tea a classmate brought to college once, they’re so cute!!
26, July, 2020
I had a super peaceful evening! Mama gave me chocolate and I watched Little Memole, feeling all cozy.
We cleaned house after that, I mostly cleaned surfaces in my room and tidied my room and my brother's, and did some scrubbing, which made my pink nailpolish recede on one hand. ^o^;;
23, July, 2020
Had cereal with milk and strawberries, spoke with old friends on WhatsApp, this friend reminds me that a kind word really can mean so much to people even years later, it can affect the course of someone's life! We should always remember to be as kind as we can be, even if we struggle with a quick temper or feel frustrated...
I worked on various things, had musaqa'a (mousaka'a, fried eggplant, and oven-cooked mince meat and tomato) for lunch, then finally gave into that nostalgia for Osamu Tezuka's works and especially Black Jack TV... watched three kartes (episodes)! 00, 01, and 44 (skipped ahead to that one for Pinoko's origin story, since the anime placed it near the wnd in flashback form, rather than near the beginning of the story like in the manga, so Pinoko's always around in the anime... as she's the kid appeal character there—I don't like that TV writes her very childidhly to fit the bill, but I appreciate that it picks the most heartwarming and uplifting stories of the manga or rarely tweaks the endings to make them a bitbless tragic, making for a warm and gentle show to view that's still fairly true to the spirit of Black Jack, while being more kid-friendly.
I love Black Jack so much!
After Black Jack, made sam(b)osa with my brother, he filled some of his with things like folded-up and grated sliced cheese, a square of Kiri cream cheese, or peanut butter with Cajun seasoning (!!!), but that one unfortunately leaked. Feeling nostalgic, I told him about how I once put cocoa puffs in a sambosa as a child... it was awful, they melted and stuck together and dried-out. I'm resuming my rewatch of The Star of Cottonland before bed, it's so funny, yet also kind of bittersweet... I love this film.
My brother took my pegasus plushie and posed him like he was using my computer... xD; I guess that solves the mystery of how his ribbon kept coming undone lately! Saved a cheap doily from a box of sweets because it looked cute and had a flower print, cleaned it up, placed it on my desk.
22, July, 2020
[Placeholder for a funny picture I'll upload later.]
21, July, 2020
This morning, while melting the last of the honey in the jar with warm water, I felt like rewatching The Star of Cottonland after mixing the melted honey with cool water to drink in a teaglass! It really took me back, such a sweet and joyful film! ♥ Chibineko's perspective on life is just so refreshing and funny.
Today, my skittish cockatiel Aster built up the courage to fly out of my room! He spent some time over the water cooler, looking startled, then explored my brother's room (favoring perching on his red lampshade), then mama's room (which he had a lot of trouble navigating). He stayed close by my side whenever I was there and I later found he responds better than Amy the lovebird to leading gestures and follows me closely instead of flying ahead. If I stop, he flies in place! I walk, he flies! Ma sha Allah.
My brother has been disappointed for some time that Amy doesn't sit on or around him, but today, Aster settled on his bed and pecked at his phone! ♥
Best of all... Aster flew over to me, while I was only standing, so I extended my arm and he perched on it for the very first time! It was... indescribable joy! ♥ ... then, he pecked lightly at my sleeve and I realized he was out of food, so I fed him. Still! He was very brave today and I'm happy to see him make so much progress after a long time.
19, July, 2020
Good evening! I haven't written in a while, I had my first job interview (it was surprisingly short, seemed promising, but didn't go anywhere, alas, because I lacked experience ^^; ). On the other hand, my feet are healing! They're much better now! I think we should be able to play in the early hours again...
Something lovely happened today! On the way home, my parents went to the newly opened Al-Baik redtaurant (even though it's hot and they had to wait an hour and a half...), they brought home Baik! Our first meal from a restaurant in 6 months (since quarantine, basically) and it's a restaurant we had 't eaten from since our days in the western province! ;3; ♥
My dad brought a funny fruit called bambar, but he called it by a gross local name that makes it sound like snotty... ^^;;;;;
Didn't feel up to eating it yesterday, but tried it today after the fried shrimp, it tasted pleasantly creamy and milky, thick! I thought it was nice, kind of like mangosteens with a milder taste and more watery texture, and none of the sourness, but when I went to swallow, it suddenly turned bitter and mouth/drying!! What an aftertaste... not so sure I'd eat this for taste, but it's supposedly quite good for you.
Over the past two days, I've been watching that sweet Saudi/Japanese (Manga Productions and Toei) series Asatir: Future Folktales and the camel story was so cute!!
The first episode concerns Zarqah Al-Yamama (Literally translated: Blue the Dove, named for her blue eyes, doubtlessly) is a famous folkloric figure I learned somewhat recently, last year, during pediatrics emergency roration, the doctor told us he wanted us to be like Zarqah Al-Yamama and see the condition before it reaches its worst conclusion, then explained to us how she would alert her tribe of advancing enemy tribes and could see th distance of several days travel. He also told us her sad fate, the one not depicted in this lighter and softer children's series, that an enemy tribe wished to trick them, by hiding behind trees, each man carrying a leafy tree trunk, so as they advanced, she could only see an approaching army of trees... so either trees are walking, or the enemies are hiding behind trees. She was laughed off and disbelieved, although they had days to prepare, and ultimately, they were attacked and sacked. Poor Zarqah Al-Yamama was killed, they even removed her famous eyes that long thwarted them... the sweeter ending she got in this series is preferable, even a little romantic, isn't it?
The camel story in episode 3, I cpuld not find the origin of online, so it might be little known or an original story, but it resembles Thumbelina and Pinocchio. A childless couple pray for years for a child, until the mother sees a beautiful she-camel and her child and says she would be happy, even with a camel for a child... and so, she has a daughter who is by all means a camel, but they love her dearly and immediately take to her! How loving and happy they are to be parents is so sweet, the father jumping and waving playfully before leaving his daughter, so happy to have her reminded me of a coworker of my farher's, or at least, stories my father told me about him! He and his wife never had children for a long time, although they desperately wanted one, then, they finally had a daughter! Let's call her Amani, it's close to her real name! Anyway, they were so happy with her and, even though there's this odd cultural trait (that didn't exist in ancient Arabia, so I'm not sure when it cropped up, but it's starting to go away again... my friend says older Sudanese men were also like that) where many men find it embarrassing to publicly share the names of female relatives like wives, mothers, and daughters and hate to let strangers know their names, he was just SO happy to have a daughter, that when any of his coworkers needed help with something, they knew the best way to get him in a good mood was to call him Abu Amani (Father of Amani), he'd be SO happy to be reminded of her, he'd be much more eager to help!
10, July, 2020
Good morning! Well, afternoon, but I spent a good portion of the morning in bed after Fajr, letting my feet rest, as I accidentally injured them doing the jumprope challenge in a way that put all the strain on my ankles and feet instead of my knees (I was only thinking of my injured knee and forgot feet are even less equipped to absorb shock! ^^;;), but on the bright side of things, I've been enjoying reading Kawahara Yumiko's Dolls (Plant Doll) at my friend (dollhouse-garden)'s suggestion some time ago! ♥ In fact, I was reading the chapter with the lucky doll a few days ago when I got the good news I passed in my exam! I'm fully licensed now. ^^ I have gone back and added my entry for June 24, for anyone curious what the licensing exam was like during this time...
Received a package for the first time (using my dad's card, since I don't have my own, and the order's mostly health products for the family)! It was interesting, kind of like calling takeout, but more delayed, and the package was on-hold for a few days... learned DHL cost more than AraMex and Samsa for good reason, nothing was stolen this time! ♥
Reheated rice for lunch, going to read Surat Al-Kahf as it's Friday!
9, July, 2020
After a health scare yesterday, mama's been taking us to the playground so my brother can swing and play! We haven't gone even to these quiet, neighborhood, always empty playgrounds since the quarantine began, it's been lifted only a short while! Had cereal for breakfast, went out and mostly sat in the swing or walked along the edge of the grassy areas (the flowers in the summer are different from the ones in the winter!) and snapped some pictures of these cute, white, cup-like flowers and one of the bees that circled them for nectar.
When I got home, I ate the rest of my dad's mushaltat pastry with some cream cheese, because it was too early for lunch and worked on my website some more. Mama made rice with lamb and caramellized onions and raisins!
I had a Moroccan bath, watched a bit of Alice/Neco z Alenky (a creepy, surreal, stop-motion Czech film I caught a bit of dubbed in English on TV as a child, I mostly remember the close-ups of Alice peeking through gaps and the drawers and something going in her head or out of it...), Amy the lovebird sat on my iPad while I did! It was cute...
Had yogurt with chunks of fruit in it, watched the Diancie pre-movie short, and had a peanut butter sandwich for dinner.
29, June, 2020
My chain of early mornings has been broken (alas!), up at noon today... picked out clothes to wear after my bath, did my exercises, had a bun (one mama didn't put sesame on, because I'm allergic to it) with honey and cheese, looking forward to lunch!
Let Amy out to play, played the lovebird video she likes to respond to, to keep her from feeling too lonely until we get her another companion. Aster the cockatiel will have to wait his turn!
The rooms look lovely sunlit! (Even if I did encounter one spider opening my brother's window, eep). Got an upset stomach from having tea too early in the day, oops... ate a sweet to offset it.
28, June, 2020 (late entry) [cw: food mention!]
A funny thing happened, I craved 'ishil-nahal (literally: bee's nest—they're puffy white bread buns baked together, looking like honeycomb, that you can pull away like monkey bread, and have cream cheese and honey at the center), so I had some flatbread mama baked earlier with honey and cream cheese... it was very early, I've been getting up very early lately (and having mint tea every day, it's so soothing!), so one else was awake... but by night, while helping mama make tomorrow's lunch, I saw she also made big, puffy, pull-away bread buns baked together in one pan. ;3;
It's like a superpower, she always seemed to make whatever we were craving that day, I remember it used to happen a lot in college too, I would miss something and come home to find it!
I tried that flowery tea my dad bought for me with mint leaves today and it tasted so much better this way!!
I rewatched The Princess and the Pauper and it was so nostalgic, what a sweet film. Early 2000's Barbie films were so good, I loved the themes of balancing one's duty to others (the princess to her people, the pauper/indentured servant to clearing her parents' debt) and to their own selves (the princess loved someone other than the king she was expected to marry for political reasons and the pauper wanted to travel and sing). It wasn't one of those 'forget your duties, marry whoever you want, only your wants matter!' stories, but it had balance, where they learned to respect themselves instead of only always putting others first and it was sweet.
Happily discussed Barbie films with my friend before sleeping... until she asked about my exercises, realized I hadn't done the jumprope challenge today, and went to do them. I took a whole half hour and it was already late! Slept at nearly a quarter to midnight. ^^;;;
27, June, 2020 [cw: talk of food/sweets, then a sort of emotional abuse, real and fictional]
I have been busy lately, I wrote an entry I'll share later! For now, today, I decided to make a very silly breakfast, because I craved those special/limited time cereals that had marshmallows (we don't have Lucky Charms here, the marshmallows are not kosher/halal!), so I got the silly idea of mixing my usual, relatively healthier whole grain cereal with dried strawberries with these pastel, minu marshmallows we have... at first, I put about the same amount as in those cereals, but because I like every bite of my food to be uniform and have the same ratio of food (it's an autistic thing, I lioe everything to taste the same by mixing it up), I increased about another half a handful... only to quickly realize why they don't put so much.
It was tatsy at first, but quickly became overpowering, and my mouth felt waxy. ^^;;;;;
Helped with preparing lunch, washing dishes, setting the table, and although she's getting better (not making caustic comments and insults as frequently), she still gave me silent, how-stupid-are-you looks every time I ask a question and berated me for always forgetting recent things and remembering the way things were years ago (I couldn't recall that the white bowl we used to wash rice in was thrown away, so I went looking for it...). It hurts.
I beared it (there's no point in arguing with someone like that, she'll see it as rudeness and turn everyone against me for days, throwing a fit, until I'm forced to apologize to her, it really is best to just use the grey rock method and be boring and quiet with such people) and quietly helped. I appreciated I wasn't verbally insulted and she mostly stayed quiet, but it still hurt. It's still a big imrovement over her old, explosive temper, but it still hurts. I'll remember less if I'm hurt and treated with cold disdain, my mind doesn't hang onto painful memories...
I understood keenly why Ninny in The Invisible Child (a little girl from a Moomins story, adapted into the Tanoshii Ikka Moomins anime as episodes 9 and 10) gradually disappeared because of her 'cold and sarcastic' aunt's treatment of her... it's a really sweet recovery story, by the way! It even shows righteous anger (at treating others unkindly) in a positive light, as well as asking for help and taking a stand.
I'm learning to be firmer about my boundaries and not so concerned with being liked. If someone is pushy and disrespecying my boundaries, I don't have to answer questions I'm not comfortable answering. It doesn't make me dishonest to not immediately give information, I can state I'd rather not discuss this, educate if the person is genuinely clueless, then ignore or block if they're persistent.
24, June, 2020 (late entry)
Before the quarantine was lifted, I received an e-mail saying all our exams were pushed back one hour earlier...
I received an e-mail the day before my test stating that there were new rules to follow (which include wearing a mask! If you arrive without a mask, you’re marked as absent and cannot take the exam!). I forgot mine in the morning, fortunately, dad remembered before we left in the car, and went inside to get me one and a spare. ^^;;;;;
As soon as I walked in, there was the electronic thermometer for temperature screening at the front desk, the elevator only allows 2 (sometimes 3) at once, there are stickers that look like a pair of shoes that they keep about a meter a part, signs telling us this building imposes social distancing, and when you go to enter the exam hall, they have a desk set up with hand sanitizer and gloves (available in small, medium, and large—I wish the ER was this well equipped! ^^;;;; ) we all must wear inside the hall.
The cleaning crew was constantly there!! I saw them cleaning when I came in and also on break. They really are trying their best to keep the place safe.
The lockers were changed! It used to be that you had ordinary lockers with numbered key, but now, it’s electronic lockers (German-made, I think) that you press (if unlocked, they pop open), pit in your things, and then close and type a 4-key password and then press E.
Type the password and E again to open it later.
(I... lost my locker twice, but I think the second time, it just wouldn’t open, I needed a aecurity guard with the master key’s help to get my things. ^^;;;;;; )
The actual exam itself wasn’t different! I even saw some repeated questions. But I didn’t take too long or rush this time, tried to stay ideally a minute for each question or within 10 minutes (50 minutes and 60 questions left, etc.), made sure to read the data values given carefully. They have the normal values next to them (I don’t know if I never noticed that or if they used to be on a separate screen...).
18, June, 2020
Yesterday night was... something. Anyway, I'm fasting today! I was busy this morning, while mama and my brother made a healthy sweet (cinnamon buns made from bananas and oatmeal), I got tired and kept dozing fof, but my brother would excitedly come and give me updates on how it was going, it was pretty cute!
Woke up to pray Dhuhr! Saw a cute and nostalgic twitter dedicated to old Barbie movies. Helped mama and my brother with some more sweets, there was a bit of a harsh disagreement... but we had a funny incident afterwards with the ice cream mix (we don't have an ice cream machine to prepare it in!), fortunatelt, the side of the box offered other uses and we went for the sort of frappe suggestion (ice cream mix + milk + cup of ice, blend together). My dad and my brother liked them!
The other treats mainly consisted of cream mixed with various things (like diced chocolates or Lotus spread or peanuts).
Mama got a package with bath and beauty products! My dad recounted that the poor delivery man physically handed over the box to dad trying to keep as far away as possible, scared of infection.
The box looked like plain brown cardboard on the outside, but the inside was white and blue checked, it was quite cute! The bubble wrap was fun, my brother especially liked popping those (as did I!), we tried everything, sorted them out, then cleaned the bathroom shelves of old, broken, and empty things cluttering the shelves (there were some REALLY old things there...!) to make room for the new creams and body washes.
One body spray was glittery, my brother said it made us look like fairies, it was very cute.
16, June, 2020
I was very dizzy yesterday and slept strange hours I'd normally never sleep (from around 'Asr time, 3 PM! I felt lightheaded and headache-y, although seeing Little Women (1994) for the first time since I caught the end of it as a child was really nice!! Warmly captures the spirit of the book(s), although the girls are played by much older actresses. ^^;
I went outside for the first time in a while, was surprised by what plants stuck around for the summer!
The very tall dandelions we got in the winter have withered away, for the most part (they were very impressive, around five feet tall!).
Today, I was woken up around 10, mama was concerned I was sick (I normally wae up early... I just nodded off after Fajr) because I apparently refused to wake up ("why?!") because she made breakfast earlier ("why?!") to come eat ("okay...") and then fell back asleep. I have ZERO memory of this, so that was funny. ^^;;;;
Mama made mushaltat, this crunchy, layered pastry you eat like bread! I had it with a boiled egg and cream cheese. Had a handful of cherries while my brother had an early lunch (^^;;;;) and made cinnamon+milk+honey for both of us, although he'll have his later!
My wary cockatiel now regularly leaves the cage and returns to it, so that makes me happy!! Cleaned his cage while he was out. ^^
Gonna watch Fruits Basket later!
14, June, 2020
[some talk of food, overcoming phobias, brought on by watching a video about a woman who recovered from an ed mentioned in passing, but some rather detailed talk of an infected cut and injury I had]
I woke up later than I wanted to, but that's alright, I'll get there! It was a really good decision to avoid using the phone first thing, wake up gradually, gentle stretches and breathing help get rid of the achy soreness I feel waking up! It helps me feel refreshed and ready to start!
Mama made a nice pasta dish she hadn't before, the chicken was soaked, yet had this crispness to it, kind of reminded me of chicken I used to have at a nice Cantonese restaurant when I was little.
My friend from internship shared a video with me about a lady facing her fear (she was scared of stepping on a scale because of previously suffering an ED) and how much she had to work up courage, only to be amazed by how she felt an immensely underwhelming... nothing after it.
It made me remember how I was scared of (for YEARS) reading an anonymous comment I got, angrily criticizing my roleplaying (I'm serious!!) in a dreamwidth rp game. Now, as anonymous folks lobbed some heavy and cruel accusations at me back then, and at that point in time, I had grown afraid of confrontation, the anger kept me from reading the rest. Worse still, I received it within minutes of injuring my knee (this would become a chronic issue, although, alhamdulilLah, with daily knee trengthening exercises, I can keep my muscles strong enough to cover for that weakness), read it while more terrified of that than the wound which wound up causing an infection because I couldn't bring myself to excuse myself to wash it until the lecture was over.
Just this year, I finally made the decision to just read it and move on, I remember drawing this while trying to give myself courage.
And I did. The overwhelming fear was gone, I read it, some things were true, others exaggerated or ill intent was assumed where there was none, or were just mocking me for failing to pick up hints given IC instead of discussed OOC (whose fault is that, now...), and even the true parts were brought on because I was too scared of confrontation then to properly manage the thread and didn't want to tell people what they could or couldn't do and wound up misleading and angering people and being too scared to talk, but now, I felt... nothing? For years, I was scared of the criticism and tied it to that injury thar caused a chronic condition, but in the end, it really was... nothing.
10, June, 2020
[food, quarantine stuff, wild animal death mention]
Thing sare calmer lately! There's been a dust storm and a harsh heatwave recently, it's killing birds and plants outside! We were warned not to go out for three days. They've passed, but it's still quite hot. Dad brought groceries (and a box of chcoolates). It's nice to have brown bread again!! I love mama's homemade bread and the way the house smells like a bakery during them, but brown bread doesn't keep as well as white, so it's nice having that option again!
We have some fruits again! I love cherries, used to hate them because of the cartoonishly bright, red ones on dessert that felt like plastic and taste like nothing, but these cherries are so soft, dark, and sweet! While I was disinfecting the groceries, dad said they sprayed the outside of the bags at the supermarket to disinfect them!!
I watched that lovely Arabic show I've been catching daily (a program they bring on AlJazeera at around a quarter to 6, that discusses the Arabic language, common linguistic mistakes, the origins of words and phrases [the little historical segments are illustrated!], and pieces of poetry and introductions to authors of influential works).
It's called Ta-amullat/Reflections and is hosted by Muhammad Saleh.
Oh! I had Moroccan mint tea yesterday with tea biscuits, I always used to eat tea biscuits on their own as a kid or put them in home-made tiramisu, but never really ate them with tea properly! It was fun. ♥ So soft and sweet.
Figured out the way to get my brother to take his animal vitamins is jokingly ask if he'll win the lottery again today (he was happy about getting three grape hippos or something a day ago), like... the Fruit Machine on Neopets. xD;;;
4, June, 2020
Those three who stalked my old twitter are being annoying on my new twitter too, they're following from accounts that won't show up on the followers page and leaving on nearly everything that I can't read, then erasing. Sleeping has not exactly been restful. It's just annoying and makes going on twitter not feel worth it right now. Going to spend more time working on my site and working on other things, I guess!
3, June, 2020 (late entry, food mention, unintentionally went hungry!)
I woke up late, had breakfast (omelette with some of the tomato slices I cut for tacos!), even a bit of the tiramisu cake after, which seemed like a lot, but was ultimately a good idea because after seeing ep 31 of Nurse Angel Ririka SOS (easily the best animated, so lively, and it was a great episode!!! Karin-focused, sad for a chunk of it, but what an ending, so many cute and heartwarming moments), I wound up doing housework for nearly seven hours and missed lunch entirely... it was our usual dinner time when we finally had it and I was dizzy while reheating, my vision went dark! And I saw some stars, it was like when my bp drops or when I went for years with undiagnosed anemia... made it to the chair and felt my feet tingle and my heart pound, but at least I didn't fall like when I had my bath the day after 'Eid (Moroccan baths are hot water, steam, Moroccan soap, and lots of skin-scrubbing... takes a lot of energy!).
Had saleeq and drank water, felt a lot better! Resuming Fruits Basket (got 3 episodes left over since I paused watching it in Ramadan, so we've been watching them at the pace of one a day, on episode 8 now). I love Rin's design as a horse especially! It was funny seeing Lyo pick a fight with the ocean and Rin stomp her foot angeily like a horse in human form, the animation and art style this episode is beautifully detailed and expressive (Yuki looks so much bolder and stronger now and I'm happy to see it, didn't even flinch at being called Akito's toy, handled meeting Akito again much better too).
Love Nikki also greeted me with a Disney collaboration featuring my childhood favourite princess (Ariel, The Little Mermaid ;3;), as well as super sweet Rapunzel from Tangled!! And another event with deer, one of my favourite animals ever...
24, May, 2030
'Eid at home (same as always)! We had kushary and grape leaves, though, lovely~~~the tablecloth was changed, the dining table is dressed up for 'Eid. xD That animation my friend (dollhouse-garden's webmaster!)shared is sooo cute...
I slept too late yesterday, but I'm goijng to keep up my producity and sleep earlier and wake up in a less straighht-to-phone for other than adhkar and Quran way), focusing on my body and breathing, even before morning exercises, really eases away the grogginess and soreness, plus it helps my circulation, so I'll be warm enough to get out from under the covers easily (the blanket is very thick, if the AC isn't turned up, it'd be gross).
23, May, 2020
Slept earlier yesterday (nearly as early as I did beginning Ramadan!), had a productive morning—decided to cut back on twitter and attend to other things instead, like Quran and reading.
Fed the birds, let Amy the lovebird out to play (Aster the cocokatiel ignores his open door), watched a decluttering video softheartclinic shared! Did some gentle stretches and breathing exercises instead of waffle around twitter's draining atmosphere, which helped me feel more energetic (after a little nap nap with the timer set to wake me). Woke up much more refreshed! Brushed, braided hair, tied my room, and reheated leftovers for my brother's lunch.
Later that noght, had an honest talk about how judgmental people on twitter made me self-conscious about tweeting so much aniem content, that I could no longer relax snd have my own space, and couldn't read Quran to the end for the first time in nearly a decade!!!
Helped mama make fillings for rice-stuffed grape leaves, we elft them to sit a while, but then she filled them herself before I knew it. ^^;;;
22, May, 2020 (negative)
My head has been hurting on and off for days, I am so mad and so sad. The bad dreams are back (joy!), bio-mother's side of the family, naturally. I hate being a people-pleaser, I hate thinking I'll be accepted by others if I fit their perceptions, trying to fit into what English-speaking Muslims online are like (mostly reminder twitters and seemingly solely sevoted to that and not using their twitters for any other purpose—quite the contrast to a lot of young Arab Muslims who happily tweet about mundane interests and fandom too), just leads to hypocrisy and burn-out and I don't like it!!!! I need time to recharge, I need my special interests, I am sick of folks looking down on me like I'm some annoying child or too caught up in dunya, they don't know how strong my heart is connected to God or how I see the world or how I can see signs in everything and my faith comes naturally.
I don't feel like putting on a performance and I DON'T want anyone trying to shape me into something I'm not, leave me BE.
The good there is this year is I've whittled down my timeline to a much more managable number to follow trying to keep away from anything I shouldn't be seeing (but got taken by a nasty surprise by somethinf I reaaaally didn't want to see, but alhamdulilLah, not as sensitive as I used to be, it didn't do any harm, although it did shock me quite a bit).
I spent much more time this Ramadan in the kitchen, I could chalk up part of this lackluster performance to thay, but only partly. I was working in hospital for part of the previous Ramadan and did better than this quarantine!
16, May, 2020
[mention of food and yeast] It's the last ten days of Ramadan! I started off strong, faltered a bit in the middle, and I'm picking up again. We cleaned the house just before Ramadan started, but I guess my parents couldn't wait 'til after, they've been thoroughly cleaning it this morning... woke up to the house sparkling and the windows open, shining light in.
Had a rough start to the morning (maybe because I was reading a somewhat heavy self-help book just before), but hoping the rest of the day will be good!!
A funny thing happened earlier this month, mama asked me to find information about raising yeast, so we learned about sourdough yeast and such. A note: yeast is VERY STINKY... people kept it inlass jars and things for a reason, they're very smelly! She'd feed it sugar, her grandparents would start it from a little flour and feed it bits of fruit and stuff.
(Ma sha allah la quwatta illa bilLah) Normally, I have trouble focusing on more than one thing at a time, managed to boil eggs for 15 minutes, while also reheating and stirring soup now and then, and making meat and cheese sam(b)osa with a mold!! I didn't burn or forget anything!! My dad was proud, but I didn't understand what the big deal was at first, until I looked back and realized how many things I attempted at once... normally, someone could just talk to me while I'm doing something and I'd fumble it. ^^;;
Very close to finishing Nurse Angel Ririka SOS too! I love Ririka, Seiya, and Dewey so much, I'm impressed how the aspects of the opening I assumed were just generic anime opening things I'm not supposed to read into were actually subtle foreshadowing. Last few episodes now, Mimina got introduced (so late into the show?), now looking forward to see where this goes! The show's ending is very divisive for many...
I remembered Moribito, I think I'll try and finish that soon too! Sometime after Ririka, I think. I also still have Violet Evergarden to complete.
10, May, 2020
[CW for child sexual abuse, including details of injury discovered in hospital, and mention of child brides]
So, a hashtag callin to criminalize pedophilia is trending on twitter in my country today. My country still has no official age ofajority in regwrds to marriage, it goes based on the standards of pre-literate socities and age of religious maturity (just... puberty), while child brides aren't very common here, it is still legal and that's a tragedy, as a society, we have moved away from that. A child reached the age of puberty, but is not socialized as an adult like back when this concept made sense. These are not working adults who mixed with adults as peers in any way, these are children who spent much of their time in school and are raised naive and ignorant of many things. It's cruel to them to dot his and has life-long psychological harms.
I spoke (in Arabic) about my abuse at the hands of my maternal uncle (around ages 6-7) and then my biological mother (around 11-12) and how they each caused lasting issues. Lasting memory problems and transient DID from the first, PTSD from the both. I talked about the stigma that prevented me from ever getting professipnal help and how I had to stumble along my life and do my own reading... even during internship, a sexual abuse victim's very short-lasting evidence was nearly missed because the doctors didn't know basics of studying a crime scene (the scratches on the child's legs came from her attacker, not herself, because it is unnatural for someone to scratch their left leg with their right hand and vice verse! this is some else's doing!!!).
We need more awareness, more treatment, more acknowledging of victims' stories and truths. We need to stop hurting people and thinking it's alright.
29, April, 2020
It's been a few days since Ramadan started! Hareera soup is so nice (the thick and rich Moroccan kind with many peeled tomatoes, chickpeas, egg whites, coriander and parsley, bone broth, and soft chunks of meat, not the sad, thin Saudi version), even if you need to peel a LOT of tomatoes for it...
I've been keeping up with my daily wird of Quran recitation much better than I've had in years! I don't fall behind so much, I keep a nice, regular pace, four or five pages after each prayer, to finish 20 a day and aim to finish the book by the end of the month. In the past few years, I'd end up 10 or more pages behind and try to read them all in one sitting, lose focus, retaining nothing... this way is easier on the mind to pay attention.
I have also been finishing Nurse Angel Ririka! I am nearly in the last third, the ending just changed. I am so happy with the way a lot of things are going, even if it makes me cry sometimes (Dewey ;_____;). I think, based on the new ending's words, Ririka will go on more bravely forward....
28, April, 2020
[to be added later]
24, April, 2020
Tomorrow will be the first day of Ramadan! I already have sam(b)osa I made ready to air-fry that should last a few days!
It's a wonder how some people can overlook everything you do and focus on the tiniest mistakes... but I did well today, I did more than I imagined I could.
I've been thinking about various things, like hyperempathy and dissociation... this one post from Princess Skye's The Lost Princess, describing being outside, around other people, as like being "Alice in the sea of tears."
I realized a feeling I rarely had that lasts for a few seconds at a time, where the usually murky, grainy, world I see through an old, damaged movie-like haze explodes into vivid colour and light and sharpness is "grounding"! What triggers it is usually water or very sweet and colourful fruits! Hwne I tried to describe it the first time it happened in a chemistry class, I came home, excited, and tried to describe it, bu tmy friends on livejournal laughed and cracked drug jokes... neither of us understood what it was. I need to learn more grounding methods!
12, March, 2020
My computer is still not working properly, so I haven't written here much! But the dandelions in my "garden" are very tall. Bees visit frequently! Today is the first time I saw a butterfly there!
In one bundle of leaves from a few days back, when it had rained recently, there were around ten snails! I put two or so in the garden and my brother kept the rest for pets. They have soil and leaves to munch, they're sprayed with water to keep them moist!
We had to pick the leaves off three bundles of mint the day before yesterday, but,after drying them on old bedsheets, spread out, in a shaded room, they shrunk! And then were ground into a fine powder that barely filled half a repurposed honey jar. It's such concentrated mint, mama used less than about a third or quarter of a tablespoon for a whole pot instead of handfuls of loose leaves!!
I got a sweet recommendation in the guestbook for +Anima, I had friends who played Cooro back on livejournal... I never read it myself, but my friends also recommended it. Maybe I'll read it sometime!!
4, March, 2020
Mama made more bread, like the ones from the boulangerie in Morocco, ma sha Allah (but without the butter and things, so they store longer), we cleaned the dust and sand from the walled-in area around our house (we don't have yards here!) and got some more sun!Which is best, as the low vitamin D levels were causing bone pain... the dandelions have gotten amazingly tall and they're so full of puffs, now! My brother blew them away!
My cockatiel is a very social eater, even if I'm in the other room, drinking or eaitng, he'll hop down to eat his own food, or if I'm taking medicine, he'll eat to the sound of granules. It's very cute.
We watched Howl's Moving Castle! It is as good and funny as I remember, moving and beautiful. I can appreciate it better now that I've started reading the book and keeping in mind Diana Wynne Jones' interview, I can better understand her story...
I learned today that a character I helped flesh out and used to draw a lot was important to a friend and very dear to her! She remembers facts about her, scenarios her original creator and I drew and discussed, I never imagiend something ai worked on being this meaningful to someone... she's a Wishfulshipping fanchild we fleshed out. I was so moved, I was comeplled to try harder, I even drew her a room (I never bother designing those!), because I felt she deserved to live soemwhere sweet and sunny... maybe when I can use my laptop, I'll share those pictures.
30, March, 2020
I remember watching an animation (possibly Russian, maybe from the Soviet era) a sort of arsop, with very detailed, but stiff, cut-out-like animals... I don't know if it was in colour or not because of all static on that old TV. In the story, a bird saves a beast of some sort (a bear or a dog), who devotes himself to helping the bird in return... the bird always tells the beadt not to go so far for him, but he doesn't listen, he always puts himself in great danger and strife for the bird's sake... in the end, he's killed by humans for stealing from their food to feed the bird, or something like that.
It stuck with me, but the lesson hadn't fully sunk in... I realized I've been carrying a lot of guilt about not being able to help those around me as much offline, because I try so hard online, which makes me feel like a sham! But nobody is demanding all of this of me, it's only my own self that imposes this... I do love making my friends happy, but if I can cut back a little, maybe I win't burn out so much, and be better able to help family too.
21, March, 2020
I lost my temper, I want to be less angry and resentful. I want to be kind to everyone, but accepting everyone can mean accepting dangerous influence at worst or lead to butter resentment and fury at best. How do I recognize what level of acceptance and forgivenes is necessary for human relationships and how much steps into the territory of self-betrayal?
If it's the latter, I will be so mad that the other person walked away, when I put so much effort, and also know it's unnustified, as they never felt any obligation to put so much effort into the friendship, nor did they see it as important as I did.
20, March, 2020
While thinking back to someone saying it was unhealthy to project too much on fictional characters you didn't create yourself (nothing else has forced me to draw original characters... I hate doing it, because I have no interest in them, but it's freeing to draw whatever I feel without "excuse"), I realized why I was so obsessed with a certain character! I've projected the same trauma on others without such enduring obsession, then, realized, it was an entirely separate memory I gave to them that was much more critical... realized it while trying to do "shadow work," and face the parts I ignore and recalled it was actually that memory that was the deepest betrayal, not what people expect.
17, March, 2020
The only part worth remembering was watching more of the Netflix A Series of Unfortunate Events. I'm pretty sure we know who the two mysterious characters helping the kids out are! They soften the story a bit from the books too, but not as much as the movie, I guess. It was weird how they didn't keep the peppermints Poe gave them, triggering an allergic reaction was their idea in the book! Hives are fine, but the tongue swelling bit felt too dangerous, Klaus sounded like he was having an anaphylactic reaction, which would be ve try quickly deadly without an epinephrine shot... I like the movie's Josephine better than this one, she was way, way, way too cartoonishly cowardly in this one, I actually got sick of her on the boat, after all the kids went through to get her, even though she was one of my favourite guardians in the book and I liked her in the movie (Olaf is MUCH scarier and better in the series, the kids are greatbin both versions). The adults overall feel more cartoony in the Netflix series, there's an oddly absurd air to everything, but I guess it's to match Lemony Snicket's ironic tone?
16, March, 2020
Spent time organizing my apps this morning (following advice from softheartclinic on things to do at home)! Remembered my bob app and wondered why I hadn't used it in a while... remembered why. A lot of self-care apps are very unrealistic or rigid and can't apply to my life. I hated how it wouldn't let me go past the task delegating task (redundancy department of redundancy).
What kind of ideal world is this app living in where I can just ask someone else to do things in my place... mama cooks lunch and cleans most of the house, my dad does laundry and irons, I HAVE to do the dishes, wake my brother, make breakfast and usually dinner for him, give him his medicine (but he's started to remember at least what he needs to take in the morning! ♥;), make the beds, clean the bird cages, feed the brds, and help him study and do his homework (at least with the schools being suspended and the online classes perpetually delayed and unsuccessful as anything has given us a break)—the app did do some good, though!!
It prompted me to make a list and I do love the satisfaction of ticking items off a list, so I got my morning strength exercises done and I'm opening the windows now, instead of just sitting there in bed with my dread of starting the day for a good few hours.
Folks are trying to curse me again, eh. Dealing with it. It's comforting to know they'll know the truth of what they've done on Judgment Day, eveb if they're deceived right now and genuinely think it's deserved somehow. Glum! I should keep these entries light, but yesterday was dampened with heavy feelings.
[A food-related addition, again!] We helped mama bake bread! It was really pretty and fluffy, soft on the inside, a little crisp on the outside. Picked out the good mint leaves, but didn't watch Candy Candy (I usually only watch it when we get new mint, because it's too sad to watch without a nice distraction...).
15, March, 2020
This first entry is mostly about food, for some reason. xD; This morning, I helped my brother make club sandwiches! It was a lot of fun! We made them from bran bread, turkey bacon, cheese, lettuce, and omelettes.
I opened the windows, felt the wind, and remarked that the weather felt nice! ... but later, my dad told me he shut all the windows, because it was too windy and dusty. While I was cleaning the water gallons, I heard the wind howl outside! I hadn't heard genuinely howling wind since I was still living in my old home (the one I spent the first two years of my life or so in? I have memories of just the sounds there, nothing visual, only the sound of a constantly dripping faucet and howling wind)... it's a nostalgic sound.
Cleaned the birds' cages this morning, it seems like the trick to calming my easily frightened cockatiel is making kissy sounds! They sound close enough to sounds his species makes. I still tend to startle him, though, poor troubled bird. My brother's better at approaching him more slowly and gently. I need to be more patient...
For dinner, mama made us these Korean noodles which she previously made with a lot of shrimp, calamari, calamansi sauce (I don't know what it's actually meant for, I've been meaning to look that up, actually!), and vegetables added (it was really tasty that time!!), but this time, made it only using the spices from the package... she made three packages worth and used all the seasoning it came with.
It was WAY TOO SPICY when it wasn't watered down by a whole bunch of other stuff! My nose stung when I just opened the door to my room, before I even saw it! It was so red! It burnt the back of my throat and my lips tingled and it was like eating peppers... it was really, really strong!!
My dad praised it, but in the end, my brother and I just had our usual, mild-flavoured Indomie (an Indonesian, instant noodle brand popular with kids here) instead... ^^;
Mama asked about an app I used to use for English vocabulary or something, I was a bit put-off at first (I don't need any apps to improve my English, why would I play something like that, when I can read books to learn more words?), but then, realized she probably meant freerice.com because it had words and synonyms (every question you answer right, the ad revenue on that page is used to donate rice to the poor through the World Food Program!). We thought that was it, but then, she mentioned it was orange, not green... and I realized she meant Lumosity. She said I played it most during my exams back in high school and I mentioned that yeah, I mostly play those to sharpen my skills during exam periods. ^^;;;
Oh, as it turns out, the calamansi is a very small, orange-like fruit native to the Philippines, smaller than even a clementine, according ot A Filippino Foodie, it's very sour, with a sweet peel. It's used in dips with soy sauce on noodle dishes and things!